Today’s musings come from a question I saw posted in an online support group for wives of autistic people. The lady in question was very upset about her husband saying he would do things and then not doing them.  Why, she asked, didn’t he just stop promising? I don’t know why her husband didn’t stop promising, she might have been better asking him than a group of unknown wives, but I have some thoughts which I have come up with after wondering similar things myself about Matt.

Firstly, I think we should put aside the neurodiverse label for a minute. Not everything comes down to that. Why does anyone say they will do something and not do it? Well, normally because they intend to do it when they say it and then circumstances mean they can’t. This might be because they forgot, they didn’t have time, it was harder than they thought, any number of reasons. So basically, just because our partners are neurodiverse doesn’t mean they might not be doing something for exactly the same reason as anyone else.

I think the place the neurodiversity might come in is the ability, or maybe just the likelihood, of reflecting on what has happened and acting differently the next time. This is quite a complicated process involving many steps and this might be where things fall down. If it was me and I forgot to do something I had said I’d do and was alerted to this, I would apologise and do it. I think Matt would do the same. But what I would also do which I think Matt might not, is make a mental note that I had forgotten and add it to the other occasions I had forgotten. If this started to mount up, I would see the pattern and would take an action so that I didn’t keep on forgetting things. This part, I think Matt would struggle to do.

Firstly because his memory is not good. He would be seeing each event in isolation because of this. To him it would be like the first time he had ever forgotten to do anything. Also, even if he did remember lots of occasions of forgetting something, if they were not the same thing he would not connect them together. So for him forgetting to put out the rubbish, forgetting to buy milk, forgetting to cook tea, forgetting to put on the washing would not all be examples of forgetting, they would be completely different events which he wouldn’t link together in any way. I am not sure why this is, it is just how his brain works. So he wouldn’t be triggered to see that he keeps forgetting and take action to remember things in future.

And then, even if he did realise he kept forgetting things, he wouldn’t necessarily know what to do to stop forgetting. He would probably just “try harder”. This is a vague phrase for what Matt does when he knows he wants to do something differently. I think it comes from school, when he was constantly struggling to do things due to his neurodiversity but teachers always said he could manage it if only he would try harder. So this is what he feels he should do but seeing as he is always trying his hardest anyway… well, you can see the problem.

I think this lack of recognition of his diagnosis earlier has also caused another problem. Matt actually has no idea of his own capability of achieving something. He was always told he could achieve things he finds virtually impossible, if only he tried. So he believes he can achieve the impossible and therefore agrees to it on a regular basis. I think this may be true of a lot of late diagnosed people, or people who grew up in environments where people didn’t understand their neurodiversity.

I think the wife on the forum might have been better asking a different question: how can I work with my husband to help him to do all the things he promises? And for that we are back to what I talk about regularly in this blog. First, work with him to make sure the expectations you both have are realistic. Then try and find a reminder system that works, whether it be an app, a blackboard or a list. And then when he forgets or doesn’t achieve something (because it will be when, not if, he is only human) accept that it is part of life and gently and kindly remind him what he has said he will do. If he is anything like Matt he will be upset that he has forgotten and set to fixing it straight away.