One of the things that can be a problem in a neurodiverse relationship is your position in relation to each other. Often I have to remind Matt of things and when I am doing that it is very hard to keep the communication on an adult to adult basis. I can often end up talking as if to a child and this is both patronizing to him and makes me feel wrong. We are meant to have a relationship where we are both on the same level but although Matt really wants to do things and we have agreed which tasks each of us will do, he often forgets to do them – either altogether because of his poor memory or mid-task because of his ADHD. The result of this is that it becomes my responsibility to remind him. Even though in theory I don’t have to do the things themselves, I can’t forget about them completely either because if I do and he doesn’t remember to do them, they won’t get done. This can make it feel like absolutely everything is my responsibility whilst nothing is really his and that makes me feel resentful and him incompetent.

We have tried lots of things to overcome this. Writing things on a blackboard has been successful in the past, although Matt can entirely fail to notice when something new is written on there so that doesn’t always work. Recently he has started using the To Do list on his phone and at the moment that seems to be successful. He can add in regular tasks which will appear as suggestions each day and he can also put in one off things on particular days. Then he can go into the app and mark them off when they are done. He doesn’t always remember to look at it but saying “Have you looked at your To Do list today?” feels a lot better than reminding him of absolutely everything he has said he would do but hasn’t done. It is just a small thing, but somehow it has shifted the whole tone of our relationship. After all, the relationship is made up of those small interactions we have every day. If we can work to make them more equal, our marriage will become so too.