Welcome friend and a very happy Valentine’s Day! In particular I am sending love today to those of you who really wanted to be romanced but whose partner completely forgot! In my experience romance never runs smoothly in a neurodiverse relationship and Valentine’s Day, anniversaries and even birthdays can be a very lonely and upsetting experience even after you figure out the dynamics. Today’s blog post looks at the issues we have had with romance over the years and how we have, maybe, come to a better place.

To be fair on Matt he completely smashed our first Valentine’s Day. We were still at university at the time and he met me outside my lecture bearing a gift bag containing flowers, a book of love poetry and a card.  I was blown away. For a start it was the first Valentine’s gift I had ever received and also it was a pretty public display of affection. I felt very loved.

The only trouble was that in the following years Matt continually failed to live up to the bar he had set himself. I have no doubt (now) that he loves me but doing something special for a particular date has so many pitfalls for his AuDHD brain that on many occasions such days have been the cause of fights rather than celebrations. I know from the forums that we are not alone in this. Each occasion that passed without Matt giving me a card, a gift or even a hug made me feel more and more unloved. I began to dread the occasions themselves because I knew I would just be disappointed.

Of course some may say that Valentine’s Day is not that important. It is a commercially motivated event, pushed in order to create revenue for card companies and flower sellers. And to a great extent I agree with this. But the thing is, Matt is not given to great displays of emotion. Autistic people often aren’t. That doesn’t mean that they can’t love deeply, just that they don’t show it very often. You can spend a lot of time in a neurodiverse marriage feeling unloved and unappreciated and so special occasions like Valentine’s Day take on a much greater significance than perhaps they should. And when you are forgotten on those days it is all too easy to see that as a sign and confirmation of the feelings of loneliness and isolation you are already experiencing.

Things began to improve for us when Matt was diagnosed and I began to truly understand the issues and realise it was not actually about me. Firstly, Valentine’s Day and even anniversaries and birthdays are arbitrary dates. Matt does not have a clear understanding of time and he doesn’t keep track of it. So remembering specific dates is difficult and often the day comes round and he doesn’t even realise there is anything special about it. Secondly, preparing for these dates requires forward planning. You need to go ahead of time and buy a card and flowers or plan a surprise. It is pretty tricky to wake up on the day and do it. Matt struggles with forward planning. It requires a level of executive functioning that he sometimes doesn’t possess. So there are days when he has known Valentine’s Day, a birthday or anniversary is coming up but he hasn’t managed to figure out how to do something about it. And then there are the times when he has remembered and has bought a card – but has entirely forgotten to write it! That is his short term memory playing up and is the easiest one for him to pull back, but before I understood it was still hurtful. Finally there are times when he has felt the pressure is so strong to get it right  and make sure I feel loved that he can never possibly live up to it. And so he doesn’t bother trying because then at least it is his choice to fail.

So now I understand what is going on all should be fine, right? Unfortunately, no, because despite everything, including my feminist tendencies, there is still part of me that wants to be romanced sometimes. So how do we make sure I get that? Two strategies. Firstly and most likely to be successful. I bring the romance myself. On Valentine’s Day, a birthday or anniversary I buy myself flowers and chocolates or cook a special meal for the two of us. I put on the soppy music and light the candles. I invite Matt and often he joins me. But if he doesn’t, I have a romantic evening for one. And the second strategy? I give him complete and meticulous instructions about what I expect (I was going to write am hoping for but no, it really is expect!).  So I will say “I would like you to buy me a card for Valentine’s Day”. And running up to the day I will remind him and ask “Have you bought me that card yet because it is really important to me?” Obviously this is not the most romantic way of doing things but if the card means that much to me it does ensure that I get one. Of course Matt does also surprise me occasionally and do things unprompted. And that makes me very happy. But by putting things in place to ensure I get what I feel I need at a certain time, my baseline special day feeling has risen from complete misery to enjoyment. And that’s a much better place to be.

How about Valentine’s Day in the Baker household this year? Well this year I am feeling quite confident and comfortable in our relationship so I haven’t done any prompting. I bought him a card because I like to do that but since I didn’t prompt him he hasn’t done anything. And this year, because I know why, that is OK.