There is a piece of writing by Emily Perl Kingsley called Welcome to Holland which likens having a disabled child to expecting to be going to Italy on holiday but actually ending up in Holland. Both are great places but the point Perl Kingsley is making is that if you keep wishing and imagining you were in Italy, you will just be disappointed. You need to embrace the joys of the place you are actually in.

This analogy also holds true in the neurodiverse relationship. It is your expectations of your partner (and how realistic they are) that affect the quality of your relationship. However I think the analogy misses one crucial point. Even if you come to an acceptance of the fact that you are now in Holland those around you often still think you are in Italy. They expect to see photos, hear stories, see the suntan from Italy and when you can’t produce them for them, you and they can become upset and confused. You cannot expect a neurodiverse relationship to be the same as one between two neurotypical people, or even two neurodivergent ones but most people, both inside and outside these marriages, do. This tension can make an already hard situation harder still.

I believe that the only chance that Matt and I (and any neurodiverse couple) have of making our marriage work in a way in which both partners can thrive is to acknowledge and accept that we are in a different place to other people and to help other people to do so as well. Therefore the aims of this blog and podcast are:

1. To share our understanding of how a neurodiverse marriage needs to be different and how changing our expectations has changed the amount of happiness we are able to find in life and each other
2. To help people who do not have experience of the challenges neurodiverse couples face to gain a little bit more understanding. Who knows, the things we share may even help neurotypical relationships!

I feel that there are an increasing number of places where you can read about life from a neurodivergent point of view, the difference with this blog and podcast are it looks at the perspective of both of us. Many posts online are filled with vitriol with one partner blaming the other, and often autism and ADHD, for all the problems in the relationship. When Matt was diagnosed we searched fruitlessly for a different narrative and in this blog we hope to tell it. My point of view can only ever be that of a neurotypical woman married to a neurodivergent man, who finds it hard at times but genuinely wants to find ways around the difficulties and make her life and that of the man she loves better. Matt may see things differently although I should note that he is fully onboard with my writing this blog. He will also be joining me in the podcast which is coming early in 2023 and although I won’t run every word past him, I talk to him about what I am writing and get his feedback on anything I plan to say.

If you are upset or disagree with anything we say on this blog or podcast than perhaps you are not yet in the same place as we are on this. That is absolutely fine. There will be another place for you. Please leave us and those who wish to join us here to enjoy our place and head off to find your own with no hard words and all best wishes.

For those who are staying, welcome to Holland!